Intro note: We gals call a spade a spade. In this article, we refer to “bitch” as a verb. And indeed, I bitch, you bitch, we all bitch.
to bitch – verb (used without object)
Contrary to common knowledge, bitching ain’t easy. We would even go as far as saying it is unrighteously judged as negative. Don’t we learn already in school that we have to develop our critical thinking?
As we’ve become masters of such art, we thought we’d come up with some easy steps for you to follow if you want to be initiated to the complex business of being sassy and staying classy.
* A peer
The first and sine qua non condition to get it right is to have a bitching soul sister. No joke. There would be absolutely no point for you to start this on your own. The whole idea behind it is that bitching is an activity to be shared.
* The body language
You know what they say, sometimes actions speak louder than words.
1. The bitching look, marvellously illustrated above by Nicki Minaj.
2. The bitching hair move. Even a classy lady such as Hilary Clinton knows the basics.
3. The bitching finger snap.
* The reasons why
After a lot of practice, bitching has become somewhat of a reflex. A natural attitude towards life. And after being interpelled by some people around, we had to ask ourselves the question…just why do we bitch?
Some need their morning fix of caffeine before they are operative. Others crave for some news show to jumpstart their brain. Us? We need a bitch-fest to feel like we’re ready and set to step into the wild.
And just why, you might wonder, are we so hostile? Where does this spitefulness come from? Sure, the symptoms are easy to recognise: eye rolling, withering looks, head-shaking, sneer trading with peer bitches…
Well, dear readers, so far the deep rooted reasons remain a subject for mere hypothesis. One thing for sure, there are nice girls and there are betches.
* The objects of bitching
It is true that we women tend to dedicate considerable efforts to bitching about other women. In this matter, we believe it’s because we think of men as an undeserving subject of bitching. Why? Simply because it’s women we really measure up to. It is them who we fathom to be our worthy competitors. The only interesting rivals. And in this overcrowded world where everything seems like a race, we need to figure out who it is we’re competing with.
So we scrutinise them meticulously and look for their flaws. Their misshapes. Their weak spots. And in this game, bonding with a sister is crucial. And the way you do that, the way you achieve solidarity, loyalty and maybe even a bitching soul sister is by showing some humility and vulnerability. That’s how women bond. Men will show off. Women will share their grievances. It’s sisterhood bonding in the making.
So when a woman sneers when she sees you slip, when she snorts at the price tag still hanging from your outfit (which you’re too busy parading to notice)..don’t take it bad! On the contrary, take it as a compliment. It’s her way to show you she sees you as a worthy creature. With all the perks of the job. Cause you know. Bitches will bitch.
But as we were saying, our sniping isn’t exclusively directed at women. Far from that. We are firm believers of the equal opportunities precept. We can gang up on pretty anything that can be adjectivised. Anything from boys, family, weather to shops, movies, restaurants… See, we even like to think bitching is simply a way for us to express our selves, share our opinion and let our temper run free.
* The proper way
Nobody would want to bitch with poor etiquette.
The first rule of bitching is that you can’t be mean just for the sake of being mean. No. Your piece of rant should always be legitimate.
The second rule of bitching is that you don’t want to expose it to total strangers. Bitching is an intimate activity. Even better if a secret dimension is added to it.
The third rule is that you must avoid bitching about shallow/irrelevant things. Like how you’re having a bad hair day or it’s Monday and you hate it? NO.
The fourth rule of bitching is that you must strive to make it as constructive as possible. If something bothers you, you ought to suggest a way to make it better.
The fifth and last rule is to keep your bitching authentic, natural and spontaneous. It has to reflect your own personal thoughts and views. Don’t adapt your bitching soul to your audience.
* To wrap up
If you want to bitch with style, you have to be sassy and stay classy. Get a betch mate, learn the tricks and remember: bitching is about fun (Someday it might even become an Olympic sport). That doesn’t allow you to be a suicidal pessimistic cruel bitch. That’s a turn off, a bummer and totally disqualifies you from being a premium awesome witty bitch. Now…
Keep calm and bitch on.