You’ve said it. We’ve said it… “I’m starting a diet next Monday”.
And we know the story: We starve, feel miserable, start drooling every time we see a gram of carb, weight ourselves a thousand times, make strict week menus that are impossible to follow and then give up and yo-yo back to our unsatisfied deluded selves.
For food-loving gals like us, this has ceased to be an option long ago. We’re done with it. You simply don’t need to diet. Yet, we can’t help but wonder, what’s up with that shit? Oh…I know…maybe we weren’t following the 10 diet commandments right:
- Thou shalt starve and feel guilty of every ingested calorie
- Thou shalt drink 4 liters of water to purify your sinful body
- Thou shalt bang your head against the wall (it burns 200 calories per 10′ session)
- Thou shalt not covet your neighbour’s tasty meal
- Thou shalt not steal food either
- Thou shalt eat ice cubes to burn calories warming up your body
- Thou shalt renounce lifts and all automated means of going up places
- Honour the law of lemon fasting: drink lemonade until it dissolves your stomach
- Thou shalt flagellate yourself everytime you think of a cheeseburger
- Thou shalt eat meat only if boiled. It’s so disgusting thou shalt throw up
Well, that’s a sad bulk of BS. It all gets so absurd, we find ourselves thinking*:
- Inside me there’s a skinny person. I ate her.
- If I drink a diet coke with a cupcake, the diet coke cancels out the cupcake calories.
- Since calories are heat units, frozen food have no calories. I can have as much ice-cream as I want.
- If I eat something but nobody sees me eat it, it has no calories.
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- If I eat someone else’s plate, the calories still belong to their rightful owner.
Nah. Come on, you are smart… you should see there’s not one ounce of logic to it. Besides, who would want to spend a lifetime dieting?
So here’s why you don’t need to diet (unless the doctor told you to):
- No matter how many kilos you lose, your contaminated mind will never be satisfied.
- Guys actually like fit curvy women. True story.
- Accept it, you will never be Kate Moss. You are yourself, isn’t that good enough?
- I assure you, if you follow commandment #3, it won’t matter how you look. You’ll be stupid.
- The “perfect” girls you see on TV, you’d probably not even notice them in real life.
- If you ever somehow manage to reach your so-called ideal weight, we guarantee it won’t make you happier.
- Depriving yourself is highly frustrating and you will be a pain in the ass for people around you.
- Think of all the good stuff there is out there! Restaurants? Bakeries? Bars? Family dinners? HELLO!
In the end, it all comes down to following very simple rules of common sense.
- Listen to your body. Are you feeling hungry? Eat. Take your time. Stop when that feeling disappears. Know the difference between hunger and comfort-feeding yourself.
- Observe your morphology. How are you built? We gals have accepted the fact we are no Gisele Bundchen. No amount of dieting will ever get us there. And you know what? It’s totally fine.
- Learn to appreciate your body. We all have our flaws, but we all have our beautiful features too.
- Move. You don’t like to do sports (a bit like Sara)? At least go out, walk around.
- Respect a certain balance. Pizza and chocolate one day? Then veggies & fish the next day.
- Don’t let the weigh scale become an obsession. Your new measuring tool will be your clothes: as long as you don’t have to buy bigger ones, it’s ok!
Here’s a thought: If when you look at yourself in the mirror, you don’t like what you see… the problem is not the 3-4 kilos separating you from the next top-model… The problem lies a little deeper. So take a spoon and dig in.
*More of these fun diet absurdities on Debbie Haddam’s article on Diet Humor in English